How could I face the faceless days
If I should lose you now?
We’re so close
To reaching that famous happy end
And almost believing this was not pretend
Let’s go on dreaming for we know we are
So close
So close
And still so far

Jon McLaughlin, So Close

Again, a while since I posted, but not much has happened since. This one is called We’re going down swinging, but is a happy one nevertheless.

Yesterday I met up with my friend Sam in Bruges-town. We went to the chocolate bar for a drink and after that we just wanted to lounge a bit, so we went to this little park in the centre. After being adult-ish for a while and just sitting on the benches, we decided that we really felt like going on the playground itself.

Yes, I’m fully aware of the fact that it may be childish, but I really love playgrounds. This one was rather boring though, with only ladders and a slide. After going up and down a couple of times, we were just lying in the grass, talking.

And I like it. It reminded me of how much I enjoy talking to people, really about anything. I find it easy and relaxing, even when it’s with people I don’t know all that well. Maybe I’m a bit too forthcoming at times (I tend to often hear the phrase ‘too much information’, but whatever), but I’m fond of all sorts of talk. Whether it’s just socializing, or a deeper discussion about politics, the facts of life or love, I just love it.

After that, we went to another playground, a bigger one this time. By then, night had fallen and it was deserted, so we had it all to ourselves. I’ve decided that swings are my favourite part of the playground. I like the feeling you get when you’re swinging: the wind blowing through your hair, the slight feeling of fluttering in your stomach, caressing the sand with your toes, going higher and higher only by stretching your legs.

I love it, and don’t care if it’s childish. What’s wrong with really playing, the physical activity? Yesterday it made me feel happy, happier than I’ve been in a while. Just doing what I wanted to do, not caring what people would think.

Exhausted from swinging, we dropped on the grass and just looked at the stars, which to me looked like a lot of glittering dots. After a while, we were able to discern the Big Bear. I wish we could have seen (well, recognized) more of the constellations, but my knowledge about the skies and heavens is mostly theoretical. I can tell you that the star closest to Earth is Alpha Centauri, I know Cassiopeia looks like a W, but don’t ask me to point them out at night.

I think that to be a pity, and hereby I’m extending an invitation to anyone who wants to show me all of it on a starry night.

The perfect ending of the evening came when we saw a shooting star, and made a wish. I won’t tell you what it was, because if you do, it’ll never come true…

Hope you all see a shooting star soon,

AnFie

I’m really proud of myself that I did, that I dared to ignore all of the voices in my head, and just went for it, regardless of the consequences. I was standing there, and told Thomas I was in love with him. But…

… he didn’t seem to agree. Told me that maybe I was mistaken, that it happened after spending so much time together. Not realizing, it seemed, that a lot of the time we spent together came after the falling in love. Right after, everything seemed fine. I had a really productive meeting with the other student representatives, and drinks after.

Then, I came home alone, and it hit me. I can’t describe what “it” is, but I feel this emptiness inside, combined with a craving to do something, but no specific idea on what. Add to this mix the constant feeling of being on the verge of crying all the time, but not starting to and I end up being confused. I’m not really fine right now, but I don’t have the feeling like I’m broken beyond repair. I have to remind myself that I’m not defined by anything else then my own feelings and actions, not by the fact that someone I really liked doesn’t seem to like me in the same way.

So, I set myself some new goals, evaluating the person I am today and comparing that person to who I want to be, like I did on the first of January 2008. The first six months of the year have passed, and I thought now is the time to revise my New Year’s Resolutions, see how far I’ve come, and adjust or even plain delete them.

1) This year I will try to pass all my exams. I already failed two of them in january, but I’ve tried my best and I honestly believe I’ll pass every subject of this semester, and I will try my very best to pass every exam I have to retake in August/September, even if it means slightly less fun.

2) I’m still working on my driver’s license, I just think driving is hard, and I still don’t have the same confidence inside the car as I do outside of it.

3) I basically said I would try to grow up, and behave as an adult, but I can’t really see why I have to do that. Trying to strike a balance between both seems like a way better idea, sort of like a best of both worlds. Besides, behaving like an adult isn’t perfectly opposite of being childish. I’d like to keep my sense of fun, combined with seriousness when necessary.

4) Do what I want, without harming other people worked out just fine, I’m gonna keep that one.

5) My health has been wreck so far, so I didn’t really hold up that promise to myself. Maybe in the coming half of the year?

6) I’m still a messy person, but I already realise how bad it is. As a matter of fact, I’m about to start cleaning my place up right now. First of all because it’s a gigantic mess, and secondly because now more then ever, I need some order around me.

7) I also vowed to try and have a better relationship with my parents, and so far that seems to work out just fine. There haven’t been as much crises as usual, and when there were some, I tried to not make it any worse. Life seems to be easier and things seem to run more smoothly when things at home are alright.

8 ) In January I said I would try to find myself a boyfriend, but since yesterday’s fiasco, I’m not so sure. Besides, why should I try… It’s not like it’ll be better when it’s forced, searched for hard. And who says I need a boyfriend to be happy? Things are fine the way they are, and if anything changes for the best, it’ll still be fine, as long as I accept the situation.

The final resolution was about trying to find beauty. I’ve seen immense beauty in these past months, both physical as mental. I’ve looked at beautiful art, at beautiful people, both in- and outside. I’ve discovered gorgeous music, also both in- and outside. I’ve learned to appreciate everything more.

That’s why I’d like to encourage myself to keep on going, keep on trying, keep on believing that things will be better. Because they will.

I have a lot of great things going, with friends and family to cherish, an education which brings out the best in me and a life to be filled with beauty ahead of me. So, I will try to write again soon.

Until then, I would like to give you a piece of advise I stole from my friend Thora.

” Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda, Didn’t. Get over it.”

XOXO, An-Sofie

Exams are relatively over, meaning I’ve had 4 in one week, and now have to wait yet another week for the last, simple one.

Which is good, because on the very same day, I will (hopefully) tell him. And I need to be prepared, because it will either start a period of bliss, or a period of being heartbroken and downright blue. And apparently no-one I know that knows him as well, is able to give even a little heads-up on his reaction. I’ve got no clue whatsoever about the fashion he will react, if he’ll react at all, and even less about what it will be.

But then I remember the motto I took from 30 Seconds to Mars, and what it means to me. Provehito in Altum, with various translations and meanings. And mine comes down to launch forth into the deep. Stop being scared off the consequences, and just go for it. I’ve done a couple of things according to it, and none of it has turned out disastrous (yet). And I also remember the writing on the wall in A Cinderella Story, which I’ve conveniently seen yesterday.

“Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.”

So, that’s the plan. Any concrete tips, details or how-to’s are most welcome, because all I have are the basic outlines, and the very childish idea of telling very quickly and then running away like hell. With the risk that he didn’t understand what I said, or I end up under a car, or whatever. Meaning: all help is welcome .

To be continued…

XOXO, AnFie

It seems like the time between London and this moment has flown by, with both highs and lows. I can’t even remember half the stuff I did this past 4 months. So, no what I’ve been up to since the last post, just one simple update.

I fell in love.

Yeah, isn’t that great? I beg to differ. Being in love brings out the absolute worst in me. While my usual attitude can hardly be described as lacking confidence, it is what happens to me when I have a crush, love interest, whatever word you choose to use.

I suck at it. I never believe myself to stand a chance against the odds, I never allow myself to believe that something good, nice or lovely might come from it. I constantly keep my guard up, telling everyone about the fact that I have found someone whom I like, but that it probably won’t lead to anything.

And I never ever tell the boy. I just… don’t. I don’t know why, I just think it’s plain scary. And my friends keep telling me: What’s the worst that can happen if you just go for it? Because even the beginning scares me, I’m afraid for whatever he might think of me.

And I know that there are three options. Worst case scenario: I tell him, he gets upset and childish and doesn’t want anything to do with me. In this scenario, there’s no big loss, because I don’t really like childish people anyway. But, yet again, I beg to differ. Maybe he isn’t as nice and as inherently good as I believe him to be, so I loose. I loose the image I had of him, even if it was the wrong one.

Less Worse Scenario: He doesn’t reciprocate, but is mature enough to stay friends. I know that it seems a nice option, but I don’t know if I can handle it. It probably would lead to me perishing in embarrassment. I don’t know why, and the last time I confessed my love, that’s not what happened. Maybe it’s a matter of trust? Because the last boy I shared my feelings with was first and foremost my best friend. He understood, was really nice about it, and I survived. So, no need for a trauma there…

And then of course, the Best Case Scenario. He’s head over heels with me too. Which, again scares me, because, then what? Where do we go from there? I’m under-experienced. The last time I had a boyfriend, I was 13 years old, and he dumped me for my best friend, who stayed my best friend for quite some time after that.

But I have to say, my friends are great. Really, they rule, even though I hate them when they tell me to toughen up, stop being the scared little girl I am in these situations, and to just go for it.

The friend I was most scared of telling, since he is kind of the link between me and said Boy, has been great. He has been calling me cute a lot of times recently, doing the very thing I was scared of. Reminding me all the time. He seems to swing between rather amused and very supportive.

All my friends seem to support the decision I make, although I get the feeling some are sick and tired of hearing me swoon about Him and probably pray for me to make a move and finally get it over with.

So, here’s a cliffhanger for you! Will I or Won’t I? Will I evolve from Verliefde Cutie, and to what? A heartbroken non-cutie or a Verliefde Cutie with a boyfriend?

I would like to dedicate this post to Sam, Maxime and Myrjam. I am always in your debt for the patience and faith.

As an ending note, I give you a William Blake poem.

Never pain to tell thy Love

Love that never told can be

For the gentle wind does move

Silently, invisibly

I told my love, I told my love

I told him all my heart

Trembling cold, in ghastly fears

Ah, he doth depart

I’ve also been busy with school, realizing I need to kick it up a notch after seeing my grades. They weren’t all that bad, but sadly enough I managed to fail two out of seven. I have less classes this semester, but more papers and other stuff to write.

But mostly, the reason I haven’t posted anything for a while is that I was way to busy having fun. After the concert I realized that I shouldn’t save fun for special occassions. Of course there’s the danger that fun will lose it’s magic in case of overdo, but I’ve decided that there are different kinds of fun. There’s no need to sit around and do nothing special when nor time nor possibilities stand in the way of that.

Or, as Avenged Sevenfold stated: Seize the day, or die regretting the time you lost…

Seven exams have been made, hopefully seven exams haven’t been failed, but updates on that come Saturday. I honestly can’t say I’m excited because of it, scared is the better word for how I feel when I think about that particular aspect of exams.

What I am very, very, very excited about, is my little trip to London, starting tomorrow!

3 nights in a city filled with heavenly delights, in every aspect. Tons of free museums (a must for art-lovers like me), tons of shopping streets (I do tend to have some shopaholism), and last but very much not least! The Thirty Seconds To Mars gig on Thursday in the Hammersmith Apollo!!

I cannot even begin to tell you how much I look forward to that, but just imagine me excited, times one thousand! I love music, even when just listening to a cd or my iPod, but live, it’s even better. Most of the concerts I’ve attended gave me painful jaws, from smiling and singing all the time, so I’d say I’m rather active when I go to a show.

But this one… Their music has helped me through lately, it was what started and ended my day, it has gotten me up and running when I was down, but also calmed me down when I was way to up. I absolutely adore it, and the thought of seeing them live seems almost to surreal.

So, I guess London will be fun, fun, fun and very gratifying on many levels. I’ve packed my camera already, so my next blogs will more or less be a day-to-day overview of my trip (yes, I like to cross the line and go “too much”).

Have a nice holiday!!

Special mentions for the one of the wisest people I know, Maxime. You’ve made things better, just by being yourself and sharing some of your wisdom with me. I’ll never forget that you’re the one that told me that it’s better to create reactions from other people, good or bad than to bland in and never generate anything. You’re also probably the person who made me laugh most of all.

Another person I really need to mention is Lieven. Thank you for sacrificing some of your (very little) free time to take me to the movies and drinks, and your never-ending efforts to cheer me up. You’ve really helped by just being there and listening to my rants, afterwards telling me that it’s not so bad, and things will clear up.

Last, but definitely least, special mentions for those who took the time to listen to all my problems, no matter how futile or ridiculous they were. I can’t name all of you, and if I tried, I’d forget some people that are very important to me, but I’m sure you’ll know it when you’re on of them. Almost all of my friends are in this category, and I really appreciate everything you do and stand for.

To all of my friends, I dedicate this Placebo-song. The most appropriate lines are in bold. Thank you all, so much.

You’re always ahead of the game
I drag behind
You never get caught in the rain
When I’m drenched to the bone every time
You’re the first one to swim across the Seine
I lag behind
You’re always ahead of the game
While I drag behind

I drag behind (x4)

You’re always ahead of the pack
I drag behind
You posses every trait that I lack
By coincidence or by design
You’re the monkey I’ve got on my back
That tells me to shine
You’re always ahead of the pack
While I drag behind

I drag behind (x8)

You’re always ahead of the rest
When I’m always on time
You got As on your algebra tests
I failed and they kept me behind
I just gotta get off my chest
That I think you’re divine
You’re always ahead of the rest
While I drag behind

I drag behind (x8)

Lots of love, An-Sofie

I don’t really mind. I like competition, even when it’s not for the win. I like competing with myself, trying to be the best possible person. I like competing with other people, because in a way, it makes my rise out above myself.

When I say competing with other people, I don’t really mean competition in the real sense of the word. I don’t want to beat them, I don’t want to leave them all beaten up. What I mean is that I just love it when people challenge me, question my opinions and make me think.

I need this kind of thing, the making me feel out of sync, uncomfortable with what I’m saying. It makes me really think about the things I’m blurting out. It’s in those moments I can no longer pretend like I’m the all-knowing it-girl. It confronts me with my limits, and it keeps me from bragging about all the things I do know.

There are some people I know who are probably way smarter than me. At times, they make me feel like this ignorant ditz, because the things I say and believe seem so futile and naive compared with theirs. And I can’t get enough of talking to them, because these conversations make me better. They enhance my logic, I learn new things, they make me better in general.

At times I’m exhausted after these kind of conversations, but in the end, I’m grateful for the things they taught me. So at the end of this blog I would like to thank those of you who challenge me, and invite those of you that feel the same about this subject, to challenge me back! If you think I’m talking bullshit, say so. If you disagree, say so. I had one of these conversations on Wednesday, after my exam, and it was one of the most rewarding and satisfying things I had done in quite a while.

Because if life (and love) is a competition in the way I see it, everyone is winning. When people try to outgrow their limits through these challenges, they eventually win more than the challenger does. Questioning and challenging people makes people better, as long as it’s within reason and doesn’t turn out as a quest for personal victory, for humiliating others or for making yourself feel better.

One of the reasons I mention this, is because one of the theories has something to do with Postmodernism, or PoMo. Today, I also took a test about my world view, and apparently I’m a Postmodernist.

One of the things that fascinate me about postmodernism, is the non-existence of truth. Examples of this can be found in physics (another little thing I seem to be particularly interested in lately, despite my lack of talent for exact sciences and the despair it caused me in high school). One of these examples is known as Schrödingers cat.

The technical explication can be found here, but the result is that the cat is both living and dead, at the same time. You can’t find out the actual condition of the cat, because the situation will change as soon as you observe the phenomenon. I believe this to be the ultimate incarnation of postmodernism, implying we can never know the truth, since it changes as we observe it.

But if there is no truth, there can also be no such thing as a lie, because a lie is the reinterpretation of the truth, which solely depends on your point of view, and on your opinion, implying that your interpretation is also the truth, and no longer a lie.

It also means that everything and nothing is a lie your brain is telling you, because of the impossibility to really know. All we know is “the empirical”, reality as we see it. There is no way to know “the actual”, reality as it is,  nor “the real”, the structures that shape and form reality.

I find this hard, and complicated. I wish I wasn’t a postmodernist, but I’m too critical to just accept the things I see or hear. Most of the time, I really want the truth, so I ask questions, try to find answers and the such. Somehow, I find it ironic that in searching for the truth, the only thing I found is the absolute absence of truth.

After getting this rant off my chest, it’s time to return to studying. I’m sorry if the internal cohesion of the text seems to be missing, I blame the exams. If it really bothers you, leave a comment, and I might edit it.

5 more exams to go!