Anfietje’s Weblog

Exams are over, the holiday has officially begun. With quite a shock. I had a great time yesterday and after over three hours of working up my courage, I told him.

I’m really proud of myself that I did, that I dared to ignore all of the voices in my head, and just went for it, regardless of the consequences. I was standing there, and told Thomas I was in love with him. But…

… he didn’t seem to agree. Told me that maybe I was mistaken, that it happened after spending so much time together. Not realizing, it seemed, that a lot of the time we spent together came after the falling in love. Right after, everything seemed fine. I had a really productive meeting with the other student representatives, and drinks after.

Then, I came home alone, and it hit me. I can’t describe what “it” is, but I feel this emptiness inside, combined with a craving to do something, but no specific idea on what. Add to this mix the constant feeling of being on the verge of crying all the time, but not starting to and I end up being confused. I’m not really fine right now, but I don’t have the feeling like I’m broken beyond repair. I have to remind myself that I’m not defined by anything else then my own feelings and actions, not by the fact that someone I really liked doesn’t seem to like me in the same way.

So, I set myself some new goals, evaluating the person I am today and comparing that person to who I want to be, like I did on the first of January 2008. The first six months of the year have passed, and I thought now is the time to revise my New Year’s Resolutions, see how far I’ve come, and adjust or even plain delete them.

1) This year I will try to pass all my exams. I already failed two of them in january, but I’ve tried my best and I honestly believe I’ll pass every subject of this semester, and I will try my very best to pass every exam I have to retake in August/September, even if it means slightly less fun.

2) I’m still working on my driver’s license, I just think driving is hard, and I still don’t have the same confidence inside the car as I do outside of it.

3) I basically said I would try to grow up, and behave as an adult, but I can’t really see why I have to do that. Trying to strike a balance between both seems like a way better idea, sort of like a best of both worlds. Besides, behaving like an adult isn’t perfectly opposite of being childish. I’d like to keep my sense of fun, combined with seriousness when necessary.

4) Do what I want, without harming other people worked out just fine, I’m gonna keep that one.

5) My health has been wreck so far, so I didn’t really hold up that promise to myself. Maybe in the coming half of the year?

6) I’m still a messy person, but I already realise how bad it is. As a matter of fact, I’m about to start cleaning my place up right now. First of all because it’s a gigantic mess, and secondly because now more then ever, I need some order around me.

7) I also vowed to try and have a better relationship with my parents, and so far that seems to work out just fine. There haven’t been as much crises as usual, and when there were some, I tried to not make it any worse. Life seems to be easier and things seem to run more smoothly when things at home are alright.

8 ) In January I said I would try to find myself a boyfriend, but since yesterday’s fiasco, I’m not so sure. Besides, why should I try… It’s not like it’ll be better when it’s forced, searched for hard. And who says I need a boyfriend to be happy? Things are fine the way they are, and if anything changes for the best, it’ll still be fine, as long as I accept the situation.

The final resolution was about trying to find beauty. I’ve seen immense beauty in these past months, both physical as mental. I’ve looked at beautiful art, at beautiful people, both in- and outside. I’ve discovered gorgeous music, also both in- and outside. I’ve learned to appreciate everything more.

That’s why I’d like to encourage myself to keep on going, keep on trying, keep on believing that things will be better. Because they will.

I have a lot of great things going, with friends and family to cherish, an education which brings out the best in me and a life to be filled with beauty ahead of me. So, I will try to write again soon.

Until then, I would like to give you a piece of advise I stole from my friend Thora.

” Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda, Didn’t. Get over it.”

XOXO, An-Sofie