The Kill
“This is a post called The Kill. Don’t be scared, it’s a nice one… about losing your mind.”
Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m losing my mind. Everything seems to go wrong, both on a ‘professional’ and personal level. It feels like I’m surrounded by darkness, and somehow, I don’t seem to find the energy or power to fight it.
Music…
Today I discovered 30 seconds to mars, and I love it. I like the lyrics, I like the melodies, I like the darkness, and I like the lead singer.
That’s how I discovered it. After watching Alexander (the movie, which is far from brilliant, I know), I checked the leads on www.imdb.com, and when I checked Jared Leto’s profile, it said: Alternate Names: 30 seconds to mars.
I already knew “From Yesterday”, but being the obsessed person I am, I’ve checked all the other stuff as well.
I know that I may be “behind”, that people discovered them ages ago, and “they’re old news”. I don’t believe music can be old news, especially good music. But I used to be one of those people, eager to discover music way ahead of others, in order to be all arrogant when people said, do you know so-and-so.
I still feel pride when a band I particularly love hits the charts, but I no longer feel the need to brag about it, because in the end music is personal, and charts don’t matter, nor does it matter when people discover a certain band, as long as they discover it.
As the great John Miles once sang: “Music was my first love, and it will be my last”.
Letting go?
I can’t let go.
I know it’s very common, and everybody has trouble letting go. But in my case: I can’t admit defeat, at least not myself. I can admit I’ve been wrong, made the wrong choices and almost everything among those lines.
But at the end of the day, when I’m sitting in my room, looking out the window into dark skies, or into my soul, I refuse to admit defeat. I harbor past loves, past friendships. I don’t want to know that somehow, I have failed. I refuse to acknowledge that I screwed up, and I want to keep on trying to fix things. I’m naively optimistic, I have a persistent belief in a happy end.
Yesterday, I was talking to the person I referred to in earlier posts, my former friend. In university, there’s an opportunity to study abroad for a year. It’s called Erasmus, and yesterday was the information moment. He didn’t show, although I know he wants to go. So I say, haven’t seen you there. And before I even got the chance to ask if he wanted to copy the brochures, he began ranting, that we were at war, and I was probably only asking out of some sick sense of opportunism.
And then I asked, if we are at war, what hellish things can I expect? The answer was, nothing, you’re not worth any effort. And I was on the verge of telling him that ‘war’ only applies when open hostility takes place, and explaining in, and falling into semantics, when all over sudden, I realised that there was no point. I had to let go, because if I discussed it, the effect would’ve been minimal, or probably making things worse.
So, for the first time I managed to let things rest, to be the better, but somehow, I’m not satisfied. I can feel this urge to make things better, even though I know that better is impossible.
I want to strive for the best, but sometimes, and especially lately, the best or even just better seems unreachable…
0 in 2, and relatively satisfied.
Again, it’s been quite a while since I’ve posted, but things have been really hectic. Schoolwork has been piling up, and needed to get done. Still not quite where I want to be, but at least I’m getting closer.
In my personal life, things have been a bit more interesting, and also a rather rocky road. Out of my 2 future scenarios, both appeared wrong and more or less didn’t happen.
The first, and less pleasant one, the future foe scenario has been resolved. It’s no longer a risk for heavy warfare in the nearby future, but we’re no longer friends either. After writing my post, things quickly came to the freezing point, and at a certain moment, things were looking awfully bad. However, we somehow managed to find a solution. Now, we’re no longer friends, but I’m grateful for the wonderful times we had together and I wish him the very best in the future. I’m still hoping that our little “cold war” will heat up again, and we will in a way manage to live in a peaceful coexistence, for the benefit of not only ourselves, but also those around us.
When it comes to the future love scenario, following applies: this one didn’t really work out, but it doesn’t mean that there are no future love scenarios for me. There are multiple reasons why it didn’t work out, first and foremost the fact that the friend via whom I knew him is still in love with him, and apparently, it’s mutual. Second, falling in love with someone you barely know leaves the door open for a blissful ignorance, not seeing the unpleasant side of the person you wanna be with. Somehow, the second sight didn’t quite work for me. I didn’t like the person I got to see again, although he probably was no different. That got me wondering. Maybe I only saw what I wanted to see, maybe I just imagined him to be the one for me, giving him qualities I wanted him to possess, instead of the ones he already had.
I saw him again, this Saturday, and he was nice. But somehow it felt like the pink glasses finally came off, and things that appeared nicely coloured before, where now only gray or black. I met his brother, and they don’t really get along. I ended up being called Switzerland, for being neutral in between them, and between my friend and my former crush. I don’t like Switzerland, and I wasn’t all that neutral, I just didn’t really care.
I also heard a lot of other stuff, which made me decide he’s not it for me. I’d like a smart person, not in IQ, but in behaviour and attitude. I don’t mind arrogance, nor sarcasm but I mind stupidity, and people who use drugs. I can barely understand why people smoke, let alone why they’d use hard-drugs.
So, in the end, I got O in 2, and somehow it makes me relatively happy. I felt the joy of being in love, seeing the world in a different light and being a softer person myself. I’ve been frightened about an unhappy ending in my friendship, with battling and the like, but everything turned out for the best.
